I’m seeing a life coach. Closest step I can take to therapy right now. Anyway, I told her about my morning anxiety and she recommended that I take deep breaths, let myself feel whatever I’m feeling, and repeat a mantra on the inhale, hold, and exhale. Hers is, “I am at peace, I am calm, God is with me.” Whatever calms me and brings me peace. I tried a few out today and some combination of “I am loved,” “I am strong,” and “I am not alone” resonates the deepest. They also make me cry because I realize how little I actually believe those things.
What is it about being alone that terrifies me so much? I’ve struggled with depression a little bit in the past and maybe it’s the fear of going back to that place again and not knowing how to get out. Thing is, I know how to get out now. I know this shit is all just illusion – I’m not sad little girl, I’m pretty fucking kick ass. I’m funny. I’m adventurous. I know how to have a good time and live and love life. It feels like this dark demon hand is trying to drag me down by the throat and it scares me. I know there’s no hand, it’s all in my head. It feels pretty fucking real though. Sunlight and other people around is all that makes the hand go away.
I went to a psychic with some friends once when I was about 21 or so. She told the other two to stay away from me, that I had dark spirits surrounding me. I almost started to type, “Maybe she’s right,” but that’s horseshit. I know that’s not true. The same woman told me I would have two children by the age of 25 and not know who the fathers of either would be. Woman was full of shit. But maybe I believed her. I’ve also had psychics tell me I have a healing touch, something about a gold mine, and one who frightened me she was so spot on. I was going through a rough time with a boss and the psychic told me to stop trying to understand the boss, because she didn’t even understand herself. Good advice.
My life coach also told me to do some prep work before sleep – write down 5 things I’m thankful for, or plan my goals for the next day. Get my brain ready to be positive in the morning. So I think I’ll write down 5 things I’m proud of myself for, since pride in myself is kind of a new thing I’m digging lately.