That’s from a song I can’t quite place but that is on repeat in my head. In my life coaching stuff, there is this idea of different energy levels you operate from. The lowest, level 1, is the victim energy. The word “victim” is so negative in my mind, but it’s also the hurt and the pain area. It’s obviously the least empowering place to work from but I’ve come to realize how deep I am in that level. My mind just grabs on to any hurt and pain that goes through it and won’t let go.
I’m tyring to think of my mind as being like teflon – just let whatever comes in slip away. These thoughts don’t have to mean anything. You think a bajillion things every day and maybe half of them aren’t even things you really believe. They just come and go. I clutch on to any hurt and pain that comes through, though.
I’ve idealized pain so much – it’s beautiful, true, attractive, meaningful, good. It’s sick, really, and I don’t know where I got this idea. It’s like target fixation. In skydiving, it’s easy to become so scared of hitting an object in the landing area that you become fixated on it and end up hitting it because it’s the only thing you’re focused on. If I focus on joy and love, I’ll find joy and love everywhere. If I focus on hurt and pain, I’ll find hurt and pain everywhere.
It’s a matter of breaking my brain’s habit of fixating on pain and it will take time, but it will happen. Until then I have to remember that him “liking” my facebook status does not mean that he misses me, does not miss me, made a mistake, wants to be my friend, wants to hurt me, knows I even noticed, was drunk, was not drunk … it doesn’t mean a thing.