Almost 20 years

This Wednesday will be 19 years since my dad died. Some years I’m okay with it, some years I don’t even notice the day (that might be a lie), this year is shitty. I can’t believe I’ve let this dominate my life for nearly two decades. Over half my life has been consumed by sadness. I can’t say I ever really believed I was over it. Not like you ever “get over” something like a parent dying, but moved on in any kind of healthy way.

I worked with kid’s and teen grief groups maybe as a way to shortcut the healing. Like if I helped them out, some of their health and progress would rub off on me. I don’t know.

In the book, “Way of the Peaceful Warrior,” there is this scene where the hero has to let go of who he thought he was, who he wanted to be, to be the person he actually is. The movie shows it really well, with him holding on to his identity at the top of a building. He knows he has to let it go and fall to the ground, but it’s got his face, his body, his mind – how do you willingly let that die? What’s left when you give that up?

I’m terrified to let my sadness go. I’m afraid I will lose my dad and myself. And yeah, I know both are impossible.

My dad would be pissed as hell at me for staying so sad so long. He would absolutely tell me to get my head out of my ass. My life coach laughed and said that’s pretty much what I am doing now, so now I think of coaching sessions as head-retraction sessions. And man, thinking of him saying that to me actually makes me giggle a little. It used to piss me off to no end when he would say it to me, but after I calmed down he was usually right. Then again, I had just turned 15 when he died so my head was up my ass quite a lot.

Just since starting this post, I feel better. Must remember to keep head out of ass…


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