My dad died 19 years ago today. It was a Sunday.
I asked my Facebook friends and family for their memories of him and got some awesome ones. It’s hard for me to accept love and support, much less ask for it. It was awesome though, I just kept reading their memories and smiling and laughing. Woke up feeling really good – missing my dad but just laughing at all the ways he impacted people’s lives in such a great way.
Then at work I heard the ex’s voice in our conference room. I hate that he’s my “ex” officially and not the boyfriend I’m on a break from. Anyway, we work in the same very small industry and are often at each other’s workplaces for meetings. It just paralyzed me to know that he was sitting there just a few feet from me. If we were together, I would have been texting him, we would have gone to lunch afterwards. I wouldn’t have been too petrified to walk outside that room to go to the bathroom. I haven’t seen him since before we broke up and I’m clearly not ready to yet.
His voice is loud, I could hear it all morning. I missed it. And really, today? Of all days? I’m confused enough as it is trying to figure out what hurt belongs to what thing that’s gone from my life – is it my dad, my dog, or him? Or all of the above all mixed in with each other?