Tangled up in blue

Survived Father’s Day and D-Day with minor casualties but maybe some mild PTSD. I know intellectually that this is about my dad, abandonment, and self esteem issues. I *know* that but it *feels* still very much like it’s about the breakup. It’s hard to distinguish the feelings of “I miss him” from “I feel alone without a father.” I know it’s about my dad because these “I miss him so much” feelings come at times like the anniversary of his death, Father’s Day, something about a dad is on TV, I see a little girl with her father – or even when I ate too much and feel sickly fat, or I’m anxious about a project at work, or I’m running late to meet someone. Basically any time of anxiety, that’s when the missing him happens. 

It’s so deceptive. I feel like my brain is betraying me with these thoughts about the ex. I know it’s all to protect me from the really scary stuff that I’ve been avoiding so long, but the result is that I feel crazy and weak to still be thinking about him. And, crazy and weak to still be hurting so badly about my dad. And super crazy and weak to not be able to talk about my dog without tearing up. Just crazy and weak everywhere.

I’ve been doing this shit for a while to avoid the “what I’m really hurting about is my dad” thoughts. Breakups have been harder than they should be for years. Guys I don’t care about at all have the power to crush me with a single “It’s not you it’s me.”

I might not have accepted the fact that he’s gone and he’s not coming back. It sounds so ridiculous because it’s been 20 years and yes, I realize he’s dead. But still … I just can’t believe it.

I can’t believe he would do that to me. I was his whole life. How could he hurt me like that? How is he gone and I never get to see him again? I still don’t really believe it’s true. 

There’s not much in my life that I’ve wanted and not been able to get, either through hard work, perseverance, luck, sacrifice, a little brazenness. I have a really hard time accepting when I can’t have things I want. I want my daddy back. I want a relationship with this guy. I want my dog back. I can’t have any of those things. 

Even if it were possible to have those things, it’s not what my life is. I saw a quote like, “Makeup is saying, ‘Great job God, but I have a better idea.'” I used to think there was no kind of plan by the universe or God or whatever. Maybe that was my way of thinking I could control it. 

I don’t know where I was going with that. That train of thought is gone, haha! I know I’m making progress because the darkness barely lasts long enough to type out a blog post. It’s like a nasty wound that is putting out less and less pus. It’s still gross and painful but it’ll just be scar tissue soon enough. God I hope that by finally dealing with this shit now, the next hurts won’t be as bad. They’ll just be the hurts they are, not every past hurt I’ve ever felt multiplied by time.

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