I keep saying to people and to myself that this is all about so much more than a breakup. Mostly because I am embarrassed to still be hurt after so long. I don’t even want the relationship or him anymore, but I keep coming back to feeling hurt about it. And I’ve come to realize that hurt is my default, my comfort zone. It’s where I go when I’m afraid of facing real problems.
It breaks my heart that happiness scares me so much that I go to pain and hurt to hide from it. Not just happiness, but success, challenge, joy, love, responsibility, growing up – everything is scarier to me than hurt. Crazy.
I also have to give myself a lot of credit in how much I’ve grown since last year at this time. There are a number of things I’ve let go of that I don’t even care about enough to go back and list. Worries, pretenses, facades – I’ve worked a lot of those things away and broken some bad habits.
And that’s what this is, really – changing the mental habits that don’t do me any good anymore. Maybe at one time they served a purpose, but I want to re-train my brain away from hurt and pain towards joy and love. That doesn’t come overnight, any more than I could lose 100 pounds in a week. It takes time and constant exercise and mindfulness. And a lot of self forgiveness and easing the hell up on myself.