I Feel So Much Better Because I Hate Myself

So it’s National Blog Posting Month and I’m accepting the challenge of posting one thing every day. Except for next weekend, when I’m off the grid for another kid’s grief camp. It’s on, bitches!

That sounds gross.

At least I’m not pregnant

Anyway, on to the gratuitously shocking blog title. Once a month like clockwork I wake up and out of nowhere, bewilderingly miss the ex. It’s so confusing because I know I don’t like him, I don’t love him, I don’t want to be with him, I’m okay with him not liking me, and on and on. But still there are those -ew- feelings. And every time, I check my period tracking app and yep, 8 days until she blows.

Armed with this very useful information, I hopped into the shower and tried to turn that naggy bitch of an inner voice around. Instead of feeling stupid and ugly and sad and dumb, how about I focus on what I like myself for? Great idea, naggy inner bitch!

And there I sat. Do I like myself for being smart? Not really – I’m smart, but it’s not like I’ve done anything to earn or deserve that. That would be like liking myself for having brown hair. So okay, how about liking myself for being brave? Yeah not so much, I’m a terrible coward in social situations. I’m independent? Well no, I’m desperate enough not to be alone that I stay in relationships I don’t like until the guy dumps me.

I didn’t like myself at all in that moment. And if I couldn’t like even the tiniest thing about myself, then of course I would feel ishy about the last person I was with. Makes perfect sense. And I felt better.

And now I can’t even think of reasons why I didn’t like myself – because right now, I like myself just fine. And wonder of all wonders, I don’t have many feelings either way about the ex or his new girlfriend.

 

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