I have one very challenging co-worker whom I struggle with almost daily. He just pushes all my buttons. He has been a really great way for me to reflect on myself and practice things like acceptance, non-judgment, patience, though. I used to get a lot out of defining all the ways I was better than him and talking down to him and trying to get him to see what an incompetent ass he is. I didn’t consciously do these things to build myself up, but c’mon, that’s what I was doing. I certainly didn’t feel bad about it.
I haven’t had to work too closely with him for a while, but lately I am having to deal with him more, along with everyone else in the office. He’s incredibly frustrating so there are lots of hushed discussions about how terrible that last meeting with him was, or how over him we all are. Not only am I reaching to come up with nasty things to say about him, but they just taste awful coming out of my mouth.
I’ve always tried to live by the rule that you should never say or write anything you don’t want the entire world to read. That was a lot easier to do when I wanted to be seen as a cold-hearted, no-nonsense, independent bitch. I’ve finally accepted that I’m not Lucy Liu’s character in Charlie’s Angels. The tough words don’t sit right with me anymore.
Not that I’m not occasionally (okay, fairly regularly) a horrific bitch to this guy, mind you, just the shit talking and comparing myself to his worth don’t come as easily these days. And, I don’t really want anyone to see what a bitch I can be, versus being oh so proud of that bitchiness as an integral part of who I am. Baby steps.